What Is Cyberbullying Exactly?

What Is Cyberbullying Exactly? An open letter from Parry Aftab of WiredSafety.org

“Cyberbullying” is when a child, preteen or teen is tormented, threatened, harassed, humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise targeted by another child, preteen or teen using the Internet, interactive and digital technologies or mobile phones.It has to have a minor on both sides, or at least have been instigated by a minor against another minor. Once adults become involved, it is plain and simple cyber-harassment or cyberstalking. Adult cyber-harassment or cyberstalking is NEVER called cyberbullying.

When adult are trying to lure children into offline meetings, that is called sexual exploitation or luring by a sexual predator. But sometimes when a minor starts a cyberbullying campaign it involves sexual predators who are intrigued by the sexual harassment or even ads posted by the cyberbullying offering up the victim for sex. The methods used are limited only by the child’s imagination and access to technology. And the cyberbully one moment may become the victim the next. The kids often change roles, going from victim to bully and back again. Children have killed each other and committed suicide after having been involved in a cyberbullying incident.

Cyberbullying is usually not a one time communication, unless it involves a death threat or a credible threat of serious bodily harm. Kids usually know it when they see it, while parents may be more worried about the lewd language used by the kids than the hurtful effect of rude and embarrassing posts.

Cyberbullying may arise to a cyberharassment criminal charge, or if the child is young enough may result in the charge of juvenile delinquency. Most of the time the cyberbullying does not go that far, although parents often try and pursue criminal charges. It typically can result in a child losing their ISP or IM accounts as a terms of service violation. And in some cases, if hacking or password and identity theft is involved, can be a serious criminal matter under state and federal law.

• What is it? Cyberbullying is any cyber-communication or publication posted or sent by a minor online, by instant messager, e-mail, website, diary site, online profile, interactive game, handheld device, cell phone or other interactive device that is intended to frighten, embarrass, harass or otherwise target another minor. If there aren’t minors on both sides of the communication, it is considered cyberharassment, not cyberbullying. Most kids don’t consider a one-time rude or insulting communication to be cyberbullying. They think it needs to be repeated, or a threat of bodily harm, or a public posting designed to hurt, embarrass or otherwise target a child.
• What ages does it usually affect? Cyberbullying typically starts at about 9 years of age and usually ends around 14. After 14 it usually becomes sexual harassment. Many cases of cyberbullying occur right after a child receives their first IM account when they often try to see what they can get away with. (These kids usually stop when they understand the consequences of their actions.)
• How prevalent is it? Very. 90% of the middle school students we polled admitted to having had their feelings hurt online. 65% of the students we polled between 8 and 14 have been involved directly or indirectly in a cyberbullying incident as either the cyberbullying, the victim or a close friend of one or the other. 50% have heard of or seen a website bashing another student in their school, and 75% have visited a bashing website. 40% have either had their password stolen and changed by a bully (locking them out of their own account) or had communications sent to others posing as them. Many studies that ask kids if they have been cyberbullied fall short of measuring the real problem.The kids often do not consider these actions to be cyberbullying. Studies must ask each of the typical cyberbullying methods to be able to determine how many kids have been victimized or been cyberbullies themselves. Many kids go back and forth (often in the course of the same cyberbullying incident) between being a victim and a cyberbully. And some kids don’t mean to be a cyberbully at all, but because they haven’t been careful with what they say or how they say it or whom they say it to, is considered a cyberbully by the recipient.
• How does it work? There are two kinds of cyberbullying, direct attacks (messages sent to your kids directly) and cyberbullying by proxy (using others to help cyberbully the victim, either with or without the accomplice’s knowledge). Because cyberbullying by proxy often gets adults involved in the harassment, it is much more dangerous.

Direct Attacks

1. Instant Messaging/Text Messaging Harassment
   1. Kids may send hateful or threatening messages to other kids, without realizing that while not said in real life, unkind or threatening messages are hurtful and very serious.
   2. Warning wars - Many Internet Service Providers offer a way of “telling on” a user who is saying inappropriate things. Kids often engage in “warning wars” which can lead to kicking someone offline for a period of time. While this should be a security tool, kids sometimes use the Warn button as a game or prank.
   3. A kid/teen may create a screenname that is very similar to another kid’s name. The name may have an additional “i” or one less “e”. They may use this name to say inappropriate things to other users while posing as the other person.
   4. Text wars or text attacks are when kids gang up on the victim, sending thousands of text-messages to the victims cell phone or other mobile device. The victim is then faced with a huge cell phone bill and angry parents.
   5. Kids send death threats using IM and text-messaging as well as photos/videos (see below).
2. Stealing passwords
   1. A kid may steal another child’s password and begin to chat with other people, pretending to be the other kid. He/she may say mean things that offend and anger this person’s friends or even strangers. Meanwhile, they won’t know it is not really that person they are talking to.
   2. A kid may also use another kid’s password to change his/her profile to include sexual, racist, and inappropriate things that may attract unwanted attention or offend people.
   3. A kid often steals the password and locks the victim out of their own account.
   4. Once the password is stolen, hackers may use it to hack into the victim’s computer.
3. Blogs and Social Networks
   1. Blogs are online journals. They are posted, often, at sites known as social networks. They are a fun way for kids and teens to messages for all of their friends to see. However, kids sometimes use these blogs to damage other kids’ reputations or invade their privacy. For example, in one case, a boy posted a bunch of blogs about his breakup with his ex-girlfriend, explaining how she destroyed his life, calling her degrading names. Their mutual friends read about this and criticized her. She was embarrassed and hurt all because another kid posted mean, private, and false information about her. Sometimes kids set up a blog or profile page pretending to be their victim and saying things designed to humiliate them.
   2. In addition, teens and preteens often copy the victim’s blog or profile page and modify it to humiliate them. They may steal images from their profile or set up a survey or poll for others to vote for the ugliest, fattest, etc. victim. They may steal their passwords or post rude, threatening or embarrassing comments. The number of methods used on social networks ot cyberbully others is limited only by the amount of boredom, emotion and creativity the cyberbully has.
4. Web sites
   1. Children used to tease each other in the playground; now they do it on Web sites. Kids sometimes create Web sites that may insult or endanger another child. They create pages specifically designed to insult another kid or group of people.
   2. Kids also post other kids’ personal information and pictures, which put those people at a greater risk of being contacted or found.
5. Sending Pictures through E-mail and Cell Phones
   1. There have been cases of teens sending mass e-mails to other users, that include nude or degrading pictures of other teens. Once an e-mail like this is sent, it is passed around to hundreds of other people within hours; there is no way of controlling where it goes.
   2. Many of the newer cell phones allow kids to send pictures to each other. The kids receive the pictures directly on their phones, and may send it to everyone in their address books. After viewing the picture at a Web site, some kids have actually posted these often pornographic pictures on Kazaa and other programs for anyone to download.
   3. Kids often take a picture of someone in a locker room, bathroom or dressing room and post it online or send it to others on cell phones.
6. Internet Polling
   Who’s Hot? Who’s Not? Who is the biggest slut in the sixth grade? These types of questions run rampant on the Internet polls, all created by yours truly - kids and teens. Such questions are often very offensive to others and are yet another way that kids can “bully” other kids online.
7. Interactive Gaming
   Many kids today are playing interactive games on gaming devices such as X-Box Live and Sony Play Station 2 Network. These gaming devices allow your child to communicate by chat and live Internet phone with anyone they find themselves matched with in a game online. Sometimes the kids verbally abuse the other kids, using threats and lewd language. Sometimes they take it further, by locking them out of games, passing false rumors about them or hacking into their accounts.
8. Sending Malicious Code
   Many kids will send viruses, spyware and hacking programs to their victims. They do this to either destroy their computers or spy on their victim. Trojan Horse programs allow the cyberbully to control their victim’s computer remote control, and can be used to erase the hard drive of the victim.
9. Sending Porn and Other Junk E-Mail and IMs
   Often cyberbullies will sign their victims up for e-mailing and IM marketing lists, lots of them, especially to porn sites. When the victim receives thousands of e-mails from pornographers their parents usually get involved, either blaming them (assuming they have been visiting porn sites) or making them change their e-mail or IM address.
10. Impersonation/Posing
    Posing as the victim, the cyberbully can do considerable damage. They may post a provocative message in a hate group’s chatroom posing as the victim, inviting an attack against the victim, often giving the name, address and telephone number of the victim to make the hate group’s job easier. They often also send a message to someone posing as the victim, saying hateful or threatening things while masquerading as the victim. They may also alter a message really from the victim, making it appear that they have said nasty things or shared secrets with others.

Cyberbullying by Proxy (or third party cyberharassment or cyberbullying)

Often people who misuse the Internet to target others do it using accomplices. These accomplices, unfortunately, are often unsuspecting. They know they are communicating irate or provocative messages, but don’t realize that they are being manipulated by the real cyberharasser or cyberbully. That’s the beauty of this type of scheme. The attacker merely prods the issue by creating indignation or emotion on the part of others, can sit back and let others do their dirty work. Then, when legal action or other punitive actions are taken against the accomplice, the real attacker can claim that they never instigated anything and no one was acting on their behalf. They claim innocence and blame their accomplices, unwitting or not. And their accomplices have no legal leg to stand on.

It’s brilliant and very powerful. It is also one of the most dangerous kinds of cyberharassment or cyberbullying. Children do this often using AOL, MSN or another ISP as their “proxy” or accomplice. When they engage in a “notify” or “warning” war, they are using this method to get the ISP to view the victim as the provocateur. A notify or warning war is when one child provokes another, until the victim lashes back. When they do, the real attacker clicks the warning or notify button on the text screen. This captures the communication and flags it for the ISP’s review. If the ISP finds that the communication violated their terms of service agreement (which most do) they may take action. Some accounts allow several warnings before formal action is taken. But the end result is the same. The ISP does the attacker’s dirty work when they close or suspend the real victim’s account for a terms of service violation. Most knowledgeable ISPs know this and are careful to see if the person being warned is really being set-up.

Sometimes children use the victim’s own parents as unwitting accomplices. They provoke the victim and when the victim lashes back, they save the communication and forward it to the parents of the victim. The parents often believe what they read, and without having evidence of the prior provocations, think that their own child “started it.”

This works just as easily in a school disciplinary environment.

These people may not understand that their attacks, if designed to hurt someone’s reputation may be defamatory and subject them to lawsuits and in some cases harassment charges. They may not understand that they can be tracked quite easily most of the time and held accountable for their actions. They may not understand that their actions, while they may believe they are noble and right, may be a terms of service violation and cost them their online accounts. They may repeat rumors, and take action based on false information. And find themselves facing liability when the person who started it all hides behind them. They should know that repeating lies, even if you read them online, is no excuse under the law.

A caution to all who believe things without confirming their accuracy: Silence should not be confused with an admission of guilt or confirmation that a lie told by someone is true. Sometimes silence is smarter, especially when the real fight may not occur online at all. The smarter ones don’t fight their battles in the public online, not when defamation or harassment is involved.

Just a reminder to teach people to think before you click. Otherwise they have become what they say they are fighting. They have become a cyberharasser or cyberbully themselves. Teach them not to be used. Teach them to use their head.

Quick guide to what to do if your child is being cyberbullied

Your actions have to escalate as the threat and hurt to your child does. But there are two things you must consider before anything else. Is your child at risk of physical harm or assault? And how are they handling the attacks emotionally?

If there is any indication that personal contact information has been posted online, or any threats are made to your child, you must run…do not walk, to your local law enforcement agency. Take a print-out of all instances of cyberbullying to show them, but note that a print-out is not sufficient to prove a case of cyber-harassment or cyberbullying. You’ll need electronic evidence and live data for that. (You may want to answer the questions on our checklist for helping spot the difference between annoying communications and potentially dangerous ones. But remember, if in doubt, report it.)

Let the law enforcement agency know that the trained cyber-harassment volunteers at WiredSafety.org will work with them (without charge) to help them find the cyberbully offline and to evaluate the case. It is crucial that all electronic evidence is preserved to allow the person to be traced and to take whatever action needs to be taken. The electronic evidence is at risk for being deleted by the Internet service providers unless you reach out and notify them that you need those records preserved. The police or volunteers at WiredSafety.org can advise you how to do that quickly. Using a monitoring product, like Spectorsoft, collects all electronic data necessary to report, investigate and prosecute your case (if necessary). While hopefully you will never need it, the evidence is automatically saved by the software in a form useable by law enforcement when you need it without you having to learn to log or copy header and IP information.

Be supportive of your child during this time. You may be tempted to give the “stick and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you” lecture, but words and cyberattacks can wound a child easily and have a lasting effect. These attacks follow them into your otherwise safe home and wherever they go online. And when up to 700 million accomplices can be recruited to help target or humiliate your child, the risk of emotional pain is very real, and very serious. Don’t brush it off.

Let the school know so the guidance counselor can keep an eye out for in-school bullying and for how your child is handling things. You may want to notify your pediatrician, family counselor or clergy for support if things progress. It is crucial that you are there to provide the necessary support and love. Make them feel secure. Children have committed suicide after having been cyberbullied, and in Japan one young girl killed another after a cyberbullying incident. Take it seriously.

Also, don’t overreact. Most children will avoid telling their parents about a cyberbullying incident fearing they will only make things worse.

A quick guide on the escalating levels of response to a cyberbullying incident

Talk to your child Caution them about responding “in kind.” This is not a time for them to lash out or start a cyberwar themselves. See if they think they know the identity of the cyberbully or cyberbullies. See if this is related to an offline bullying situation, and deal with that quickly. And don’t confuse the language most kids use online with cyberbullying. It may be shocking to us, but unless it is shocking to your child, it’s not cyberbullying.

Ignore it A one time, seemingly unthreatening act, like a prank or mild teasing should probably be ignored. (If it’s a threat, you must report it.) At the same time, you may want to consider using some preventive measures:

• Restrict the people who can send you communications Consider restricting all incoming communications to pre-approved senders, such as those on your child’s buddy list. (If the cyberbully is someone on their buddy list, though, this method won’t help. In that case the cyberbully will have to be removed from the buddy list and/or blocked.)
• Restrict others from being able to add your child to their buddy list Cyberbullies track when your child is online by using buddy lists, and similar tracking programs. It will let them know when one of their “buddies” is online, when they are inactive and, in some cases, where they are. This is like adding a tracking device to your child’s online ankle, allowing their cyberbullies ot find them more easily and target them more effectively. This feature is usually found in the privacy settings or parental controls of a communications program.
• Block the ability of others to post a comment on your child’s profile page or blog.

Google Your Child Make sure that the cyberbully isn’t posting attacks online. When you get an early warning of a cyberbullying campaign, it is essential that you keep an eye on your child’s screen name, nick names, full name, address, telephone and cell numbers and websites. You can also set up an “alert” on Google to notify you whenever anything about your child is posted online. To learn more about “Googling” yourself or your child, read “Google Yourself!”

Block the sender Someone who seems aggressive, or makes you uncomfortable and does not respond to verbal please or formal warnings should be blocked. This way, they will not be able to know when you are online or be able to contact you through instant messaging.

Even if the communicates are not particularly aggressive or threatening, if they are annoying or, block the sender. (Most ISPs and instant messaging programs have a blocking feature to allow you to prevent the sender from getting through.)

“Warn” the sender If the cyberbully uses another screen name to avoid the block, otherwise manages to get through or around the block or communicates through others, “warn” them, or “notify” the ISP. (This is usually a button on the IM application.) This creates a record of the incident for later review, and if the person is warned enough, they can lose their ISP or instant messenger account. (Unfortunately, many cyberbullies use “warning wars” or “notify wars” to harass their victims, by making it appear the victim is really the cyberbully. This is a method of cyberbullying by proxy, getting the ISP to be an unwitting accomplice of the cyberbullying.)

Report it to the Site If the cyberbulluying is posted on a website, such as Xanga’s profiles, reach out and report it to us at [insert link]. The instructions on how to report a cyberbullying post are located at [insert link]. Xanga does not permit any harassment of its users and will take prompt action to remove an offending post, once the posts have been reviewed.

Report it to ISP Most cyberbullying and harassment incidents violate the ISP’s terms of service. These are typically called a “TOS violation” (for a “terms of service” violation, and can have serious consequences for the account holder. Many ISPs will close a cyberbully’s account (which will also close their parents’ household account in most cases.) You should report this to the sender’s ISP, not yours. (For more information about how to make a report, read “Making a Report to Their ISP.” If you use a monitoring software, like Spectorsoft, this is much easier.)

If your child’s account has been hacked or their password compromised, or if someone is posing as your child, you should make a formal report to your ISP as well. You can call them or send an e-mail to their security department (NOT their terms of service reportline). But before changing your password, you should scan your computer for any hacking programs or spyware, such as a Trojan horse. If one is on your computer, the cyberbully may be able to access the new password. Most good anti-virus programs can find and remove a hacking program. All spyware applications can. We recommend SpyBot Search and Destroy (a freeware) or Ad-Aware (by Lavasoft, they have a free “lite” program).

Report to School Most cases of cyberbullying occur off school grounds and outside of school hours. In the United States, often the school has no legal authority to take action relating to an off-premises and off-hours activity, even if it has an impact on the welfare of their students. The laws are tricky, and vary jurisdiction by jurisdiction. So while you should notify the school (especially if your child suspects whom is behind the attacks), they may not be able to take disciplinary action. They can keep any eye on the situation in school, however. And since many cyberbullying incidents are combined with offline bullying incidents, your child may be safer because of the report.

Also, while the school may have limited authority over disciplining the cyberbully, they can call the parents in and try and mediate the situation. They can also institute an educational and awareness program to help stop further cyberbullying by students, and to help educate parents about the problem.

Report to Police Someone who threatens you physically, who is posting details about your or your child’s offline contact information or instigating a cyberbullying by proxy campaign should be reported to the police. Run through the checklist we have on how to tell the difference between annoying and dangerous cyberbullying communications (although you should err on the side of caution and report anything that worries you.) Using a monitoring program, such as Spectorsoft, can facilitate the investigation and any eventual prosecution by collecting and preserving electronic evidence. Print-outs, while helpful in explaining the situation, are generally not admissible evidence. If you feel like your child, you or someone you know is in danger, contact the police immediately and cut off contact with this person or user, staying offline if need be until you are otherwise instructed. Do not install any programs, or remove any programs or take other remedial action on your computer or communication device during this process. It may adversely affect the investigation and any eventual prosecution.

Take Legal Action Many cases of cyberbullying (like their adult cyber-harassment equivalent) are not criminal. They may come close to violating the law, but may not cross the line. Most of the time, the threat of closing their ISP or instant messaging account is enough to make things stop. But sometimes, either because the parents want to make an example of the cyberbully or because it isn’t stopping, lawyers need to be brought in. It may also be the only way you can find out whom is behind the attacks.

This is not the time to call your local real estate or general practice lawyer. You’ll need someone expert in cyber-harassment cases and experienced with cyber-forensics. These lawyers can be pretty expensive and most of the time, you cannot sue the cyberbully (or their family) for the attorneys fees as well. Think carefully before you decide to take this kind of action. Even if you win in the end, it may take you two or three years to get there and cost you tens of thousands of dollars. You may be angry enough to start it, but make sure that you have something more than anger to sustain the long months and years of litigation.

The “Filter” Between Your Ears for parents - helping your child understand who and what to believe online

I often use this phrase to explain how important it is to teach children how to make good decisions about who and what to believe in cyberspace. I saw this as a filter to misinformation and hype our children are exposed to online. Too many people act out online in ways they would never dream of doing offline. Never having to look someone in the eye makes it easier to act-out with hostile, rude and outrageous behavior. In this case, it is also an outgoing filter.

Truth, in too many cases, has no value to many people online. They sell counterfeit goods on eBay, or steal your identity, or stalk or harass you, posting lies and misrepresenting the truth. They lead their lives by press releases or posts on their websites. And it often works very effectively to meet their hidden (and sometimes not so hidden) agendas.

Unfortunately, in cyberspace what appears in writing, if broadly circulated, becomes reality. If a statement appears on a well-designed website, it takes on a life of its own, and people believe it blindly. We need to use the “filter between their ears” to determine credibility of online communications and information that children to use. And perhaps this filter is even more important to kids who don’t have parental controls installed by their parents to help weed-out the crap. It’s up to our kids to weed out this stuff, and that requires that they think, and listen and be realistic. Something as simple as “not believing everything they read online” seems to escape many kids. And they fall prey to cybercriminals, cyberabuse and manipulation.

We need something to help people think about what they do and say online, about their online behavior and netiquette. Something that causes them to pause before spilling more hate and hype onto our cyber-roadways. Like the monstrous oil spills that kill fragile wildlife in the Alaskan sounds, hate, misinformation and hype kills fragile and positive life in cyberspace. And is at least as hard to clean-up and defend against.

What is it about the Internet and cyber-communications that makes it so easy to misbehave? Is it the false sense of anonymity? (Few communications online are really anonymous. In most cases, either through sophisticated technology or legal process you can find the person behind the post.) Is it the ease of lashing out with whatever you are thinking at that moment? Is the id in online communication that much stronger than our cyber-superego? I frequently liken online behavior to what we would do if truly invisible. Would we steal from others? Walk into a bank and help ourselves to crisp $100 bills? Or hideout in a dressing room at a fashion show with gorgeous models changing under our invisible nose? Would we spy on our enemies? On our friends? Take the last piece of chocolate cake? Make a crude gesture to our least favorite politician?

Does truth matter anymore? Does a statement made on a website become fact because it is posted prominently. Don’t people realize that they are accountable for what they do in life, whether it is online or offline? Nick Jesandun, the Internet writer for AP did an article last year proposing that people should be licensed somehow before they were permitted Internet access. While I disagreed with that premise, perhaps we should rethink that. But maybe instead of licensing them for all Internet use we should require anti-rudeness training before people are allowed online. Perhaps we should install a filter between their brains and their fingers, to make them think before they type.

Perhaps we should certify that someone is mature enough to use powerful technology. One of the best things about the Internet is that it gives everyone a huge soapbox where they can share their ideas, opinions and perspectives. Even if they are ridiculous. Even if they are far-fetched. Even if they have no basis whatsoever in reality. That means all the kooks, crackpots and malicious people online can use this powerful engine to spread hate, misinformation, hidden agendas and hype.

First Amendment advocates often use the example that it protects Nazis marching in Skokie (a town with a large number of holocaust survivors) as much as it protects the rest of us from governmental censorship. I guess that same example applies here as well. Having a free Internet means that hate mongers, slimebags and crackpots can share their opinions as freely as leading experts, kind and caring people and honest and respectful netizens can. But in the same way the citizens of Skokie turned their backs to the cruel messages and swastikas of the marching bands of Nazis, thoughtful Internet users should turn their backs to those who use the medium to spread hate, misinformation and hype.

Take the first step to reclaiming credibility in cyberspace…”Don’t believe everything you see online, use your head and think before you click “send.” We’d all be much better off.

Google Yourself!

No, we haven’t changed our policy on using inappropriate language. Google is the search engine and information gathering phenomenon that collects bits and pieces of information available online. Our kids have dubbed searching for yourself or others you have met, or want to meet, online as “googling” someone.As more and more of us are using the Internet to communicate and share our ideas, more and more of our personal information is posted online. Perhaps it’s a profile you put up years ago that still exists. Maybe you signed up for a free messaging service online and didn’t check the privacy box when the registration application was completed. On a bad day, you may have criticized your boss or your spouse or significant other. Had you checked websites for mortgage information or looked for a new home? Did you register at a website or post in a public forum? Have your kids? What are they sharing online with websites and in public with strangers? It’s time you found out for sure.The ramifications of having your personal information posted online can be very serious. Just think about it. Is your telephone number listed in the United States and have you ever given it out online? If so, anyone who wants to can find out where you live and get a map to your front door. This holds true for your children as well. Even though laws exist in the United States to prevent website from knowingly collecting information from our preteens, they have learned how to get around the law by saying they are thirteen or fourteen, or twenty-seven. : Who knows what they have given away online? As parents, we better know! And with identity theft growing by the minute, we need to guard our personal information carefully, online and off. Finally, at least one person was killed by a stalker who broadcast his intentions online, in advance of the murder. Had someone sought out her personal information postings online and known about the threat, her life might have been saved.

Okay, now you are convinced. You are ready to “google” yourself and your family members (and perhaps your boyfriend or girlfriend or boss, and that neighbor you aren’t crazy about . What do you do?

First you go to Google at http://www.google.com. Type in your full name, but in quotes - like this “Parry Aftab.” Then click Google search. All the references to you, or someone else with the same name will come up. Search for your e-mail address or IM screen name as well (making sure to include the full e-mail address, such as Parry@Aftab.com, or ParryAftab@aol.com, not just the section before the “@” sign). Do the same with your nick name, and then your telephone numbers, mobile numbers and street address, remembering to keep the quotation marks around anything you need to find in one phrase, exactly as you typed it. Otherwise, the search engine will pick up every reference to “Parry” and to “Aftab” on the Web. Now Google your kids and their telephone numbers, e-mail addresses and IM screen names as well. (You may have to check with them for all their screen names and e-mail addresses.)

Next, you need to search for newsgroup postings about you or your loved ones. You can do that by clicking on “groups” above the search screen on Google. Newsgroups are part of the Internet, but separate from the Web. They are much older than the Web-friendly clickable content and where more aggressive and heated communications are often posted. (Note that getting anything removed from a newsgroup, is almost impossible unless there is a direct threat to your safety, or a child is involved. Even then, it is very difficult.)

Repeat the search, with your name in quotes, for images as well. This shows all images which are associated with your name online. The search selections of “news” and “directories” may not apply to people who are not public figures at some level. But it never hurts to search and see if you are mentioned.

If you find that your personal contact information appears when you don’t want it to appear, you can ask Google to disable the information. You would also need to reach out to the site or online service and ask for it to be removed from wherever it’s posted. It sounds a lot easier than it really is, though. Some sites don’t care about what is posted there, even if their terms of service prohibit certain personal information from being posted or used to harass someone. But finding a terms of service violation (TOS violation) is a good place to start. To check out whether the posting is a TOS violation, review the terms of service for the site or service. Does it prohibit the posting of any personal information of others without their permission? Does it prohibit posting of any personal information or inaccurate information? What about prohibiting posting of information intended to harass or embarrass someone or that might affect their safety or well-being? Sometimes the terms of service has a catch-all prohibition that can be used to remove anything the hosting company deems inappropriate. If you approach it from a safety and privacy perspective, this may be sufficient to convince them to remove the information. If all else fails, every terms of service has a prohibition against criminal or illegal activities. Depending on what information is being posted, you may be able to rely on that provision and a broad claim of “privacy law” violations to get some help.

Often it is difficult finding the right person to contact. You can start with the webmaster, and can usually find them at webmaster@[the website name/URL]. For example, contacting our webmaster by e-mail would be webmaster@wiredsafety.org. There may also be a privacy contact at the site. Your e-mail should include the URL of the page that includes your personal information. (The easiest way to do this without typos is to block and copy the URL from your browser itself into the e-mail.) It should also include the exact information you want removed, and a statement that you are that person. Copy and paste the information from the site directly into the e-mail. And address the e-mail to yourself as well, so you have a record of what you sent, when you sent it and to whom.

If you don’t hear back within a week, send a follow-up and include all of the information you had previously sent, as well as the date the earlier e-mail had been sent. If you still haven’t heard back within another week, e-mail privacy@wiredsafety.org.

But what if you have posted information about yourself, or others have done so for you, and it’s not accurate? You don’t mind that it’s posted, but you do mind that it’s not correct? That may be easier or harder to have corrected than having it removed entirely. Try using the same methods we suggested for having information removed, but also include the correct information in the e-mail. Sometimes it is easier to just have the information removed entirely, and repost it correctly. For some reason, the two-step process of both removing the old information and adding the updated and correct information is more than many websites can handle.

If you find a site that is designed to harass you or target you or your children for sexual solicitations or harassment, you need to get help immediately. Cyberstalkers and harassers often use the Internet to post sexual want ads for people they want to harm and frighten, and even the children of those they want to harm. The middle of the night hang-ups can sometimes be explained when you find a site like this, or a posting in a newsgroup making outrageous offers on your behalf. Law enforcement should be involved, if there is any link to real offline contact information. Contact your local law enforcement agency first.

It’s your privacy. Protect it!