ThinkB4UClick - How to avoid doing something stupid online
May 22, 2006
One of the biggest problems we have online is that no one thinks between their brain dump typing and clicking “send.” One of my friends, when she says something rude or inappropriate, smiles sweetly and says “oh, did I say that outloud?!” That’s because we all think rude and inappropriate things, but generally don’t say them outloud. There is a filter between what we think and our mouths called “being polite.” (There are special rules for being polite in cyberspace, called “netiquette.” You can learn more about these rules at Teenangels.org.)
Generally this filter kicks in when we are looking someone in the eyes and envision how they would respond and how others around you would respond if you say what you really wish you could say. But when we sit in front of the computer, there are no eyes to look into. Just us and the computer monitor. And just as we can say outrageous things in our diaries, typing them online seems private. It is also fun to say things that you know you shouldn’t say. Wouldn’t it be really kewl to tell that schoolyard bully off? Or tell your neighbor how stupid you think they are… or that new clerk at the mall that she really isn’t as gorgeous as she thinks she is… or that “popular” guy how he is just a jerk? Or tell your friend that she isn’t as smart as she thinks, or [fill in the blank]? Everyone has things they wish they could say. But usually when we break the rules and say them, we wish we could take it back.
But you can never really take it back. And when you send or post something online, it lives on forever in archives, caching and other places… like the energizer bunny, it keeps on going and going and going.
So, what can you do? Find self-control and good judgment. Here are some ways you can do that. And the more you plan in advance how you will deal with hurtful things online, the easier it will be when they happen.
Take 5!
In advance, think about things you enjoy doing that help you feel better and calmer. They may include watching TV, or riding your bike. They could be calling a friend or helping your mom bake cookies. Maybe you like taking a nap, a long bath or listening to music, or playing basketball or with your dog. Everyone is different. And thinking about this in advance will help you do one of these things for five minutes or more, and avoid doing something stupid while upset. You may find that after the cooling off period, you have forgotten what upset you a few minutes before. Just make sure that whatever you choose doesn’t involve the computer, or you may be too tempted to “do something stupid!”
Be your own filter. Use the one between your ears.
You can think before you type. And think again before you click “send.” Read what you wrote. Does it really say what you wanted it to say? Can it be misunderstood? Are you sending it to the right address? Are you sure? Will you regret sending it? Maybe? If there is any question, don’t send it. And give yourself as much time as you can. Walk away from the computer. Listen to some music. Do yoga, or watch tv. Shoot a few hoops. Call a friend. Make a snack or take a walk. The space may give you the time to exercise better judgment.
Write it but don’t ever send it.
Set up a file on your computer (not a public access computer, though!). A kind of “brain dump” journal, where you can save things you wish you could say, but know you shouldn’t. Sometimes just writing them down is enough to make you feel better. You can always go back and read what you wrote later and see how you feel about it. Most of the time you will probably be happy you never sent it. Sometimes you may forget what made you angry to begin with.
Just make sure that if you are going to keep these things on your computer, you keep them private. Use a password to protect them, or encrypt them. And if you are saying things about people who can access your computer you may not want to keep them on your computer at all. And never let anyone else read them. And make sure you keep your password private.
And when you don’t need something in this journal anymore, delete it. And learn from what you delete. Are you relieved that you never sent it? Did writing it make you feel better? Was writing it enough?
Write it but only send it to your cyber-buddy.
Sometimes just writing and saving it isn’t enough. You are angry and want to share that with someone. Instead of sharing it with the person you really want to attack, find a trustworthy friend you can send it to. Work it out in advance. Make them promise that they will let you send them anything and not criticize you for what you wrote. Make them promise never to share it with anyone else and to delete it as soon as they read it.
As long as you choose the right cyber-buddy, this can help you work through the anger and frustration that made you want to send something to begin with. They can help you talk through your anger and frustration. They can be indignant with you and share your frustration. They can understand. Just make sure they don’t reach out on their own, on your behalf. They have to be your sounding board.
Choose someone who is understanding and a good listener. Choose someone who keeps secrets. Choose someone who really cares about you.
Sometimes just being able to send the communication to someone is enough. But be very careful not to send it to the wrong address, or the person you are writing about! Sometimes people do this by accident. So double and triple check everything before clicking send!
You can then save it in your “brain dump” journal, or delete it. Check and make sure that you haven’t saved it by accident in your “sent” file. (Some do this automatically.) And if they are using a monitoring software (like SpectorPro or eBlaster), ask them to not save anything you send to your cyber-buddy that you mark with a “cyber-buddy only” subject line, to protect your privacy.
Write it, but wait 24 hours before sending it.
Sometimes just writing it or sending it to your cyber-buddy isn’t enough. Sometimes you really think you should send it. Okay. Maybe you should. But before you do, write it and save it in your 24 hour file first. That may give you enough time to calm down and look at the issue from a more rational perspective. Then, after 24 hours, if you still want to send it, go through the rant checklist. If it doesn’t meet everything in the checklist, revise the communication until it does, or don’t send it. You may want to run it by your cyber-buddy first.
If it passes everything in the checklist, send it. Just be prepared for the consequences. It may be the beginning of a cyberwar. So, if things get out of hand, you may need help to stop it. Read the safety tips on cyberbullying and cyberharassment, “Don’t’ become a victim of cyber-harassment tips” and follow them carefully. And report anything that threatens you right away!